God's promises...

This is what I was blessed to see this week on my drive home from work...















a double rainbow. See it? The second one is kind of faint, to the left of the brighter one. I didn't even realize it was there until I looked at the photo.

I usually commute on the back roads instead of the interstate, for many reasons, one of which is the beautiful scenery. But it's VERY rare to see something this beautiful...















Something very weird happened yesterday while I was delivering papers. The electric window on my driver's side is broken, so I have to open the door each time I deliver to a tube. I got to about the fifth house, opened the door and something flew in the window, hitting me in the head and scaring me to death. I screamed and acted like a fool for a few seconds, then looked in the floorboard to see what I believe was a sparrow, sitting there calmly, watching the idiot in the driver's seat. So I pulled onto the road, rolled down the passenger window, got out and opened the back window and then the passenger door, and tried to talk the little bird out of the blazer. It didn't want to leave, and all I could think was how I was going to have to clean bird poop off my seats and dash...I mean, I almost wet my pants, how is a bird supposed to hold it in?

But it did, and it took the grand tour, hopping from the dash to the driver's seat, then to the back seat and the back floorboard, and then back to the front again. This went on for about five minutes. Meanwhile I'm talking to it, waving my hand in and out of the blazer to show it that there's no obstruction to the outside world, it only needs to hop to the side instead of front to back. At one point I just went to the back of the blazer and watched silently, as it hopped from one side of the dash to the other. Finally it hopped onto the passenger side door and then flew thru its open window, then to a tree nearby.

Now I've had birds in the fireplace that have gotten lost down our chimney, we've had a couple hummingbirds and other birds that have mistaken our back windows for open skies, but I've never had a bird fly into my car before. At the time it happened, I was thinking about my current work situation and how to resolve it...and about another deeper issue I'll tell you more about now.

This display, God's reminder to me of His promises, has been especially significant this week because DH is struggling yet again in his job situation. For the past four years, maybe a little longer, he has bounced from job to job, never finding one that he both enjoyed and that had the benefits and salary that we need as a family. He has built custom cabinets, worked in a door shop, helped a home remodeler, and now installs glass in office buildings, both finished and those under construction. This week he found that while he's being given more responsibility and is currently in charge of the job he's working on, his boss is hiring helpers at a much higher salary than DH currently makes. A pretty bitter pill to swallow, especially when DH really likes the people he works with and the company has the best benefits of any place he's ever worked.

So after much prayer and consideration, he sat down with his boss yesterday and asked for a raise, basing it on his new responsibilities, and not mentioning what he knows of the others' salaries. His boss doesn't want to lose him, but said he'd think about it and let DH know on Monday.

As a woman and a wife, I need to feel safe and secure in DH's ability to provide for us. I've struggled with this the past four years quite a bit. I know he is capable of anything he sets his mind to do, but we've had discussions about his lack of satisfaction with any job...it seems that no matter how good the pay or the benefits, there is always something about whatever job he has that makes him miserable. I personally feel its because God has something planned for him to do, and DH hasn't sought that out yet. Time will tell. But I always feel like the other shoe could drop at any moment and DH will come home to tell me he's going to look for a new job...or worse (and this has happened), that he's already quit the one he has...it's not a real safe feeling for a wife. And I have a hard time respecting him when it comes to this issue...every time he vents about work, I can feel myself tense up and start wondering when it will happen...I have been praying that God would change my attitude and help me put myself in DH's shoes. How would I feel if this happened to me? What would I do? How would I handle it, with the added burden of knowing my job as provider of this family? God has a lot of work to do on me, but I hope I can say I have gotten better about how I handle the inevitable moment with DH says he's no longer happy where he is, and he thinks he's going to start looking...

But in the meantime, I have these beautiful rainbows and that wonderful little bird to remind me that God is my ultimate Provider and I need not fear the future. Isn't God good?

Contest!

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Our babies

DH took this photo the other day of two of our dogs, Princess (the corgi mix) and Bella (the miniature lab). I just love it! He's a great photographer.

















This is what they looked like about a year ago...





















This is also one of my favorites...















We do love our babies...I read a post today on a woman's blog who recently brought home two puppies - she mentioned puppy breath. I just love puppy breath! Since we'll probably never have kids, this may be as close as I get to that newborn baby smell...yes, I know its not quite the same thing, but in my world, it is. I was telling DH the other day how much I missed that smell, and it may be time to bring another baby girl home...after all, Bella needs a younger playmate. He didn't go for that...not sure why. :-)

Progress!

I feel like I'm finally making some progress in the knitting part of my world. I'm finished with the baby blanket, except for whipstitching the blocks together. Need to pick up another skein of LB Homespun this week to do that. I'm a bit frustrated in that every Wal-Mart I go to to pick this up, seems to be out of almost all their yarn. I'm very afraid that they are doing away with the craft/fabric section of the store, which I've read about on blogs/email lists, but haven't seen confirmed anywhere. I REALLY hope they don't do this...our town doesn't have a craft store, and the big-box store and LYS are all at least 30 minutes away from me. It's pretty convenient to pick up what I need when I'm grocery shopping, and I LOVE the $1 and $2/yard fabrics I can get there.

Now that the blanket is finished for the most part, I'm concentrating on finishing Viveka and dh's Kangaroo sweatshirt (from Sally Melville's Purl Stitch book). I'm almost finished with the front of Viveka, which leaves two sleeves and the seaming left to do, but dh's project is knitting on size 6 needles...it's making for sloooooowwwww going. He won't be wearing it this season, that's for sure, unless there's a miracle I'm not expecting. I'm about four inches from finishing the back, and that's all I've done. I am loving the yarn, though...Knit Picks Shine. It is so very soft.

Now that our taxes are completed, I have plans to purchase more of this yarn for my own sweatshirt - Celtic Icon from Inspired Cable Knits. I'll be making it in River and Cloud. I cannot WAIT to get started on it! But must wait for the direct deposit to actually arrive before that happens...

Also on the list of tax refund purchases is a digital camera...so you can actually see what I am working on!

Must get better at this...

blogging thing. I really do want to do this on a regular basis...I just keep thinking I don't have anything good to say or a good way to say it, so I just say nothing.

Have you seen the Knitty winter surprise? I'm in love with Thermal...that's definitely a drop-everything-and-knit-now item for me. I was just about to place a Knit Pick order, so this is perfect timing. I love the colors of the Gloss yarn, and it looks like a really fun knit.

I'm knitting fast and furiously on a baby blanket. Almost finished, which is good considering the baby arrived this past weekend. I'm actually knitting three blankets, one for each of their kids, so there's no sibling rivalry. I really like how they are turning out.

I also finished a cardigan that just needs to be seamed - the LB Autumn Afternoons Cardigan. I fell in love with this when I got the summer LB catalog, but didn't want to buy it. Finally just couldn't resist. I've never knitted anything from their site that's actual apparel, and I was pretty disappointed in the pattern writing, especially for one I had to pay for. Directions are only spelled out for the back, sleeves, and one front. The instructions for the opposite front just say "knit as for right front and reverse shaping." Not too hard to figure out, but shouldn't they spell that out for you? Also found a couple errors in the pattern...should be interesting to see if they actually post them.

And I've succumbed to the downloadable patterns frenzy...I've purchased many of them over the past few weeks. Wicked, Sizzle, Somewhat Cowl, Something Red, Ribby Cardi...and I'm THRILLED to know that Knit Picks has started making their patterns available for download. So much fun!

Once the baby blanket is finished, I'm seaming the cardigan and finishing Viveka. I really want to be able to wear it this season. After that, I'm thinking Wicked will be next, and probably another Central Park Hoodie - this time in LB Wool Ease. I'm usually not a big fan of acrylic, but it's soft and easy-care, and I'm by no means rich. With surgery coming up the end of March, I've got to be a penny-pinching Scrooge for a while.

Time goes by...

I can't believe its been almost two months since my last post. Life certainly hasn't been quiet, but I just haven't felt like writing about it. Most knit blogs I read are so clever and the knitters are so interesting that I really don't feel I have much to contribute.

I did a terrible job of Christmas knitting this year. I had so many plans of things I wanted to do for gifts, but the only ones being done were a pair of Fetching gloves for my new boss, and some knit face cloths for the two women I work with - which actually aren't finished and I have until tomorrow morning to complete it or its not worth giving.

I've been knitting, but haven't completed anything. Its become a metaphor for life - I start something, really enjoy it, but when I get to the end (the finishing of the knitted item) I have no desire to continue - I usually jump over to start another project. I have so many things on the needles, and even more in the queue, but I still haven't finished the cardigan I started knitting in September. All that's left is the seaming and knitting a buttonband. But I can't seem to find the energy or motivation to finish it. New projects are much more exciting!

I'm also struggling with some sort of illness. I think I may be in the developing stages of either fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. I've just had no energy lately at all. When I get home, all I want to do is sleep. This is very unusual for me - I usually wind up staying up too late and then regreting it the next morning. But the past several weeks, I've been ready to fall into bed as soon as I get home. The last time this happened, it turned out to be mono. From what I've read, if the symptoms return, its likely the beginnings of CFS. I don't have time for that! But it's not unexpected for this to happen - many women with endo have the same issues. I just REALLY wish I didn't have to deal with it.

I have big plans though of finishing the cardigan and a few other things I've started while I enjoy the 16 DAYS OFF I have over the next couple of weeks. Words can't describe how excited I am to have this time off. So far, other than the usual Christmas duties, I only have to spend some time with my dad, at an attorney's office, drawing up a will or a living trust, whatever he decided to do. During the rest of the time, I'm knitting, knitting, cleaning house, knitting, decluttering, knitting, watching "Alias", knitting, watching "House", knitting, cooking, baking, meal planning...all the FUN stuff I don't usually get to do. The desire to be a stay-at-home-wife is getting bigger each year - maybe someday. I'd like nothing more than a house full of kids and the opportunity to raise them, home school, cook, clean, and knit. That would be heaven in my world.

I also plan to try to make my first quilt - a wall hanging, which I'm not sure where in my home should actually hang. Last year my goals were to learn to crochet, knit, and quilt. I started crocheting, but never quite got the hang of it, so I moved on to knitting. In the nine months since I picked up the needles, I haven't wanted to put them down long enough to learn to quilt. I have a ton of quilting books and magazines, and enough fabric for at least two wallhangings, two throws, and I think one queen size quilt - but I still haven't actually begun it. 2007 is the year to learn it and actually complete a project.

I love the new year. Other than Christmas its my favorite time of year. I think its because I'm so fond of new beginnings - especially in my own life. Thank God for His grace and mercy each day - we get a new slate whenever we ask forgiveness! He's so good to cleanse our hearts and let us begin again. I need that so often...

When will it end?

This week hasn't started out so great. I had my annual review at work and was extremely disappointed, mostly in myself. I can't say that I agreed with everything, but the things I did agree with didn't make me very happy about myself. Not a great way to start the week, and I'm already wishing it was over.

On the knitting front, I did start Viveka, and it seems to be turning out OK. I was a little worried once I cast on because I couldn't quite get gauge exactly (using Caron Simply Soft Tweed in Dark Sage), and while I was close, no matter how many needle sizes I went, it wasn't exact. I was just about to call it a day and decide to use the yarn for something else when I figured what the heck, I'll just knit a few inches and see what happens. So far so good. Big relief, 'cause though I'd like to buy more yarn - hey who wouldn't? - its probably not a very good idea right now.

I did take advantage of the big yarn sale at Michael's and purchased some Lion Brand Jiffy to make the cover sweater of the recent Knit Simple. I'd just about talked myself out of it when I picked up a Leisure Arts book by Melissa Leapman and she'd used several inexpensive acrylic yarns - and the finished product looked great. I'm by no means a yarn snob, but I've gotten to the point where I'm afraid to spend so much time on something using less expensive yarn, only to have it wear out quickly, or something along those lines. Finally I decided that a company probably wouldn't be in business for over 100 years if their product wasn't fairly decent, and the reviews I've read of the yarns haven't been bad, either. So I'll just keep trucking along on my next-to-nothing yarn budget and hope for the best.

I also purchased some Red Heart Soft in Paprika - for a yet-to-be-determined project. Love the color!

Contentment...

I'm really struggling with feeling content right now, and I'm not sure why. I'm feeling pretty bummed lately, and honestly there's no reason to feel that way. I think the honest answer is that I feel like I'm farther from God than I've been in a good long while. There are lots of reasons for this, but the bottom line is that I know I'm not attending church regularly, I'm not spending time with Him daily, I'm not praying regularly...He's not the first thing in my life, and I'm miserable because of it. I know I need to draw closer to Him, so He will draw close to me, but there's a part of me that's saying why? Why do I have to? Why is it so easy for so many other people, especially those that aren't Christians, yet its so hard for me?

I wonder if I'm the only person who feels this way...here's an example: we need a new oven, a double oven to boot. The one currently in our house is at least 30 years old (still that beautiful seventies gold) and though we were blessed in that the top oven lasted the first four years we lived in the house, the last 8 months or so, we've been confined to cooking in the bottom oven. This would be fine, except that it has started overheating - the temp is always about 200 degrees hotter than what you set the temp for.

So we started shopping around, and found that we were going to have a really easy decision to make - the size of our oven only comes in one model per manufacturer, and since the oven is built into brick, its not like we can buy a larger one and just make room for it. When I checked on prices of ovens a few years ago, I could buy a stainless steel double oven for about $900. Now they are at least $1200, and that's on sale, and the base model (as I said we're limited to what we can buy, and the size we need doesnt' come with bells and whistles).

I'm perfectly fine with making do and doing without - its what we've done for years in lots of areas. But I just read of another woman who lives in my state who was blessed with a stainless steel, CONVECTION, double oven for - get this - wait for it - $300. Am I happy for her? Of course! She is one of the sweetest people I've ever "met" on the web! But just a little (OK, a big) twinge of jealousy reared its ugly head when I read that. The difference between me and her is that she and her DH are very faithful to tithe, and God is always blessing them for it. Me? I have such a problem trusting Him to provide. I hate that about myself. I am not a cheerful giver, and we honestly don't give much of anything right now. I know that is awful, but I'm not trying to impress anyone here, I'm just trying to be transparent.

I wish I could just let go and trust Him. I pray someday soon I am able to do just that. I want to let Him live thru me so that He gets all the glory. I want to be used by Him. But I don't want it enough to surrender. And that scares me, because I know I need to, and I know He is calling me to do just that.

On a lighter note...

I am almost finished with the Central Park Hoodie. Finishing the last sleeve tonight, hopefully, then all that's left is the hood, seaming, and edging - at least I think that's all - its my first sweater pattern. Now I just have to figure out what to start next - I have a lot to choose from. I'm leaning towards Viveka or Ivy from the recent Knitty, or Interlocking Cables from IK's website. I'm also trying to learn continental knitting, so Knitty's Satchel is a project I'm dedicating to just that type of knitting until its familiar to me. There's also Starsky to consider, since belted cable jackets are supposed to be "in" this fall/winter. Of course, until I lose about 50 pounds, I don't need to be wearing anything with a belt. :-)

Need more hours in the day...

I really need some motivation. Motivation for lots of reasons. Motivation to just do the basics in life - laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, menu planning, coupon cutting. Motivation to start working out so I can actually wear all the things I want to knit (it's occurred to me that I wouldn't have to buy so much yarn if I didn't have to knit the largest size, therefore I could use the money I'm currently spending on the larger amount of yarn to buy yarn for other projects). Motivation to actually work while AT work.

But all I want to do is knit.

I'm not depressed. I'm just lazy. And obsessed with knitting. To the point that last night, when I got home I had to fold laundry, straighten up the kitchen, start another load of laundry, run a load of dishes in the dishwasher, help DH bathe the dogs, fix dinner, go thru the mail, and take out the trash. All things that most normal women do on any given day. But I was irritated by the time I finally got to sit down, eat, watch TV and knit. Irritated because I had spent two hours doing all these things when I could have been knitting. And irritated with myself because I know I shouldn't feel this way.

My priorities are out of line. I'm becoming lazy. Knitting is supposed to be a hobby, not an obsession. I know this, yet I don't want to stop knitting. I keep thinking that I need to just spend a few minutes menu planning and going over the grocery store sales, making lists and designing routines for each day so I can come home, do the things that need to be done quickly, and have more time to knit. I love to read, and I haven't read a book completely thru in months. Magazines are arriving in the mail and being stacked without me even glancing thru them (my living room is a library right now and DH isn't happy about it). I'm exhausted because I'm staying up too late at night to knit.

There are so many things I want to do and want to have - a clean, organized house so I can relax and not feel guilty while knitting (and DH would be happier), sell some things on Ebay (magazines, anyone?), cookbooks I want to go thru and recipes I want to try, books I want to read, I still want to learn to quilt and crochet...but knitting is taking priority over all of these things. I keep finding more projects I want to start, many more than I'll ever actually be able to knit. I have enough yarn for several projects yet want to buy more. I have a list of things I need to have finished by Christmas, yet I haven't even started on them.

And I have no idea how to stop knitting. And no desire to.

Frustrating.

Reminiscing...

I just ran into a guy I work with who was in Montana last week on vacation.

Montana. Land of my hopes, wishes, and dreams.

Dh and I were able to take what was the trip of a lifetime to Stevensville, MT, in April of 2005. We have always said we want to live in Montana, though neither of us had been there. It's just such a beautiful state, the weather is perfect (for us, anyway), and the best part is there's not a lot of people. I love to pull out the road atlas and just look at the cities along the highways, and the vast expanse of land where there's nothing...that's our idea of perfection.

So for Christmas 2004, we were handed an all-expense paid trip to Montana, to stay on a ranch in what has got to be the most perfect cabin on earth. It was the first time DH had flown, which was really fun for me to be a part of. We arrived on a Saturday, and didn't leave until the following Saturday. Seven nights of heaven.

We awoke to this view from the front porch of our cabin:















The first day we were there, we decided to go for a drive into the Bitterroot mountains, and possibly hike. Idiots that we were, we decided to do this late in the day, and keep in mind this was April - many roads were still closed in areas due to snow.

So we picked a trail that sounded good - Hidden Lake, I think it was called - and started up the mountain. As we rounded a curve in the one lane road, going up the side of this mountain, we came up on snow. Since we were in a 4WD SUV, DH took one look at this small spot of snow, which hadn't melted as it was in the shade of the mountain, and said no problem, we can get thru that. After all, there were tire tracks in it - someone had gone before us.

But no sooner had we started to drive thru it, than our back tires started sliding...towards the edge of this mountian road, with nothing but a drop off on the other side. Talk about losing your stomach...we prayed for safety and forgiveness for our stupidity, and Dh made me get out of the vehicle while he backed up the SUV, with me guiding him to get the tires back into the tracks already there.

What did we do then? Stopped and took pictures, of course!

While we were there, we went antique shopping, went on long drives, drove to Whitefish, MT, and went to Glacier National Park, which we were unable to get all the way in to since only 11 miles of the road into the park had been cleared.
















Since we live in central Arkansas, where it rarely snows and 1" is enough to shut down the city, we were overjoyed to wake up to a winter wonderland one morning.















The entire trip was just perfection. It was very hard to get on the plane and come home, because Montana felt like home, like no other place I've ever been has before.

So at some point, should the Lord tarry and should He choose to lead us there, we hope to make it a permanent address. Our tentative plans are to pay off our home, fix it up and sell it, then move to Montana and pay cash for a nice spread there. This way I can return to school for physical therapy and DH can do whatever he wants, as long as he brings home enough money for food, utilities, and yarn, of course!

Bad knitter (slap hand)...

I know, I know....I'm supposed to actually READ the pattern thru before beginning to knit. I realize there's an actual purpose for doing so, that I can save myself a lot of grief and anguish and clenched teeth, if I just READ the pattern.

But did I READ the pattern? ALL the way thru?

This is my first sweater, the Central Park Hoodie from the most recent Knitscene. I am loving the pattern, I love the yarn (well, as much as you can love acrylic - I'm using Simply Soft Tweed in Autumn Red - hey I'm on a budget!), especially the color, I like the fact that I'm learning cables and these aren't too difficult...

But I'm just so excited to be knitting my first ever sweater, in a pattern that I just love, and since its actually a little chilly when I do the paper route in the mornings, I've been a little, shall we say, rushed, to get this thing finished. So when I saw that I needed to knit the back until it was 14 1/2", and I got to that point, I figured I'd just keep going...after all, I wanted to make it a little larger than the pattern called for - just a little longer, not much - and the length just didn't look right.

Mistake #1 - Not reading the pattern thru and not checking the schematic (did I mention this is my first sweater?)

So how much more did I knit past the 14 1/2" mark? Only five extra inches (I got a little carried away with the process of knitting)...before I actually looked at the schematic and realized that 14 1/2" is just the length from the bottom of the back to the beginning of the armholes.
I've decided its not worth it to rip it out. Yes, it will be longer than I wanted, but I think I have enough yarn - I ordered extra.

So I just kept going.

Today at lunch (I usually try to knit at my desk) I started binding off the armholes. The pattern calls for four rows in which you are binding off, then one decrease row, followed by one regular pattern row, then another decrease row. I should have known better than to try to attempt this part of the pattern at my desk, when my boss was trying to get things together to go out of town tomorrow and my lunch hour was more of a working lunch hour. But did I mention how badly I want to wear this sweater?

So I knit the two bind off rows, and the first decrease row. It was while knitting the third row (the regular pattern row) that I realized I hadn't knitted the previous decrease row correctly. No problem, said I, the super-inexperienced knitter - I can just decrease a stitch on this row and no one will be the wiser. After all, its the armholes - who's going to know?

Mistake #2: Knitting at my desk at lunch

Yeah, you guessed it...I decreased a stitch on the wrong end. The decrease should have been on the beginning of the row I was currently knitting.

So tonight I get to frog that row and part of the previous row and actually knit the end of the decrease row correctly. Honestly not such a big deal, just a pain and wasted time that could be spent actually making progress on this thing, not going backwards. I also get to sit and READ THE PATTERN THRU to hopefully prevent another stupid time consuming mistake on the sleeves, front panels, and hood.

And now I'm panicking that I won't have enough yarn, since I now have to make both the front and the back 5 inches larger than the pattern called for. But this isn't making me sad at all. I mean, why be upset when I have the opportunity to buy more yarn? :-) This is NEVER a bad thing.

Angry isn't the right word...

I am so angry/frustrated/furious/confused/hurt right now that I can't put it into words.

Three weeks ago I wound up in the ER with a kidney stone on the right side. I was given the choice to either do a CT scan or just go home and follow up with my urologist as I've had these things for 15 years. I chose the latter since it was midnight and we'd been there for 3 hours already.

By the next week, I'd had no progress in passing the stone, so I went to the urologist. She did a CT scan which showed multiple stones in each kidney (nothing new for me). While the stone that sent me to the ER was on the right side, in the office that day I was having more pain on the left. Apparently since I'd been drinking so much to flush out the right stone, I'd pushed a stone out of my kidney on the opposite side. I stood next to the doctor as we looked at the computer screen and went over the CT scan, and she pointed out the large stone in my left kidney and told me that's what was causing my pain. She couldn't see the stone on the right side at all, and told me it must have moved back into my kidney - though I could tell from the pain that it was out of my kidney and making it's way out. She gave me a scrip for pain meds, told me she was sorry I was hurting, and if I experienced acute pain, to call the office.

It's now been two weeks since that office visit. I called the office on Monday and explained I needed to get in to see her again, because I hadn't passed this stone, and was still having pain on the left side - the larger stone is trying to move out of my kidney. She ordered an IVP, which is a series of timed x-rays, and that was performed on Wednesday. At her office Wed. afternoon, she told me that the IVP didn't show any obstruction or blockage, therefore she couldn't reconcile my pain with a stone. She also made a big production of explaining that just because I had a stone didnt' mean the pain I was having (not denying that i WAS having pain) was coming from a stone. And if she didn't have a visible cause for pain, she couldn't prescribe any pain meds. Basically everything I'm experiencing, which she validated two weeks ago, and what she says she's seeing now are two different things.

The fact that I passed the stone at 4:30 AM on Wednesday, the one that she said had gone back into my kidney, doesn't seem to make a difference. When I left her office on Wednesday, I felt good about it because I'd been assertive. I'd told her that i didn't mean to be disrespectful or offend her, but I know me and I know my body and I know that the pain I'm having on my left side is from a stone that's trying to come out. I know that the multiple 4 to 5 mm stones the CT scan showed are just going to sit there and get bigger, and she'll (or someone) will be doing litho in a few months. I know that I missed six days of work with no pay and it took 3 weeks to pass the stone she was holding in her hand, which due to its size was a minor miracle. And I didn't take pain meds for fun, as she was implying. In fact its really inconvenient because I have a high tolerance to pain meds and have to take a lot to get relief. At the ER, it took two pain shots and I still left the hospital in pain, granted less pain than when I went in, but I didn't leave pain free. She told me I wasn't offending her, I knew my body better than she did, and that we would get me fixed one way or another. She even hugged me before I left and joked with me to not be so hard on my doctors.

Today she told me she felt like she was being very clear and that the conversation was going in circles. Bottom line is that if she can't see it on an x-ray, its not there, no matter how much experience I have with this or what I'm saying I'm feeling.

And while she even said I'm welcome to get a 2nd opinion, I really can't. See the clinic she's with is also the clinic that pretty much every other urologist in town is with. I'm not sure I can even transfer to another doctor in that clinic, and even if i did, as colleagues, I doubt I'd get a doc that would back me up and not her.

Guess I'll just have to wait until the pain is so bad I have to go to the ER, let them do another CT scan, and then shove the results in her face and then tell her sorry, I'm going to have another doc to the litho so he can get my money and not you.

I used to want to be a doctor. I so wish I could be now. I would be much better with patients than she will ever be. And i have to wonder if its because I'm a woman. I've never had a physician treat me this way, basically telling me its all in my head.

I curse her with many kidney stones, in the wilderness far from any pain meds.

Round and round we go...

I had written a very long, detailed post a few days ago, but somehow, it got lost...guess I didn't need to be quite so detailed.

The past few weeks have been a pretty bad nightmare. In fact, for about a week, it was a running joke as to what would happen next. Our home was almost foreclosed on, due to the mortgage company lying to me (no, that's not an excuse, it's the truth); I came home to find a burning rubber smell that turned out to be an extension cord that was about to catch fire; DH had an accident at work that could have cost him his job; a local dentist sued me in small claims court, saying I hadn't paid his bill when I had - he had "lost" the checks I'd written - conveniently after I wrote him a truthful but polite letter about how his bedside manner was the worst I'd ever experienced and left me in tears - and I'd refused to write him more checks until the others (postdated) had a chance to clear; almost had a tire blowout; seems like there was something else, but I'm forgetting at the moment. All of these things happened in a matter of days. Fortunately, the house thing is now straightened out (though we were also given notice that our homeowner's insurance company will no longer be a subsidiary of the larger company who has our policy (or something like that), so for the 2nd time in five years, we have to find new homeowner's insurance. This could prove to be a blessing, since we have the chance to lower our house payment, but I'm not holding my breath.

On top of all of this, I wound up in the ER almost three weeks ago with yet another kidney stone. Since it was midnight, I decided to go home and just see if it would pass. A week later, I went to the urologist and had a CT scan done, which showed no stones in the ureter - but there are at least six stones between my two kidneys. I thought the uro would go ahead and do lithotripsy, but no - she said since they were small, they might just stay in the kidney, and if they tried to pass, they would probably go on thru. Nevermind that I'm sitting in her office in pain, that she had to perform litho two years ago, and that one of the stones is WAY too large for me to pass and I told her this.

So now its been almost three weeks since that ER visit, and no stones have passed. I'm still in pain, nauseous, low grade fever, bladder spasms, loss of appetite, just general misery. Missed six days of work with no pay. I called her office at 9 AM yesterday and left a message for the nurse to call me. At 4 PM, I called again, since I needed a med refill YESTERDAY, and FINALLY at 5 PM, she calls.

So now I'm scheduled for an IVP tomorrow (where they inject dye so they can see the stones clearly), which means clear fluids for 18 hours and an oh-so-fun Fleet's enema tonight, followed by an appt with the doc tomorrow afternoon. I am praying she will go ahead and schedule the litho. There's no point in going on like this - I'm sick to death of feeling sick to death.

On the knitting front, I've been on a spending spree. I purchased yarn for DH's sweatshirt (the Kangaroo Duo pattern from Sally Melville's "The Purl Stitch), for Knitty's Satchel, and for Knitty's Starsky patterns. I also bought Knit Picks new Options needle set, and also a set of their KIP bags. I LOVE THEM. BOTH OF THEM.

Also had to purchase some LB Homespun to start on three baby afghans, in addition to three other afghans I need to make for Christmas. Something tells me they won't be finished on time. :-) I'm also knitting the Central Park Hoodie from Knitscene in Caron's Simply Soft Tweed, and it's working out GREAT. I love how soft the yarn is, and the color...I love Simply Soft's colors.
Still working on Knitty's Cozy, too, and I also have LB's hooded sweater pattern on the needles for DH. Once all of these are finished, I'm starting on Lady Eleanor - Noro Silk Garden #234 just arrived today. :-)

And at some point, in the middle of all of this knitting madness, I have to start my first pair of socks in one of the three or four kinds of KP yarns I bought that should arrive tomorrow. DH wants a pair for Christmas.

I miss the rain...

Today is a beautiful day in central AR. It's only 91 degrees outside and the sky is a beautiful shade of gray and black. I'm praying for rain, any kind and any amount. Supposedly we have an increased chance tonight, but I'll believe it when I see it.

DH is leaving me a duck widow this weekend...no, its not yet duck hunting season, but his dad asked him to drive over to Memphis for a Ducks Unlimited event being held tomorrow, so I'm a single woman until tomorrow night. I have big plans for videos, junk food, knitting, and sleeping on the couch. I can't sleep in our bed when he's not there...so I sleep on the couch, usually falling asleep while watching TV.

I'm praying the weekend is uneventful. I had a tire that was almost flat on the SUV this morning, when I got up to do the paper route, and I have no spare...and no money to buy a spare at this point, but I guess I'll be coming up with the $ somehow. I was able to get a little bit of air in it at the gas station near our home, and then drove it home to air it up some more, then back to the same gas station to buy some fix-a-flat. I did the route, finished 30 minutes later than I should have, and made it home, then made it to work, and as far as I know, the tire isn't flat again. I'm hoping it will hold up until tomorrow, when I can buy a used tire from a place down the street from our house - they sell them for $25 and they are really good tires.

It will be a big problem, though, if I have a flat while doing the route tomorrow morning, because I have no one to call since DH is out of town, except for my district manager, who doesn't take too well to things like this happening, whether they are your fault or not. I'm so ready for next December to get here, so I can stop doing this route. I HATE IT. I've thrown a paper route off and on for the past four years, and I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would last this long. But until we get some things paid off, I can't give it up, no matter how tired I am or how sick of it I am. I throw seven days a week, and DH helps on most weekends - every Sunday, and Saturdays too if he's not working. He can't handle the lack of sleep, and since he has such a dangerous job in construction, I just do it myself. We'd both love to stop doing it though...if only we could win a BUNCH of money and could quit. That would be so nice.

And my house would be so much cleaner...

Where have you been all my life?

I'm of the belief that God is in control of my life, no matter how big or small the details. So today I'm praising Him for what may seem pretty small in light of major issues (like the 20+ people arrested yesterday for plotting to blow up planes, or the fighting in Israel), but I'm thankful and happy all the same...

I stumbled onto this website from a link on someone's blog, and now I just need lots of paper, plenty of colored ink in my printer, and a binder with sheet protectors, 'cause I'm in heaven...

www.garnstudio.com

Over a thousand FREE knit/crochet patterns...ones that could have been published in Vogue Knitting or Rowan...just beautiful garments that are timeless.

WHY haven't I heard of this site before??????????

There are 54 pages in the ladies' clothing section ALONE.

I can see this will be a huge motivational tool for me the next few months. The more I get into this new knitting hobby of mine, the more I realize that the really cute, fun, fashionable patterns that I love are definitely not ones that are going to look good on my body. My current weight, which shall remain nameless (until I reach goal, of course - then it will be shouted from the rooftops!), is about 60 pounds higher than it should be, and probably 70 pounds higher than a weight, on my frame, that will make those really cute, fun, fashionable patterns look good on me.

I've known I need to do something about it for a long time, but I'm just not motivated enough to actually start eating right or exercising (the latter I resist mostly because I HATE it). I don't have the energy to deal with all the meal planning, the money for healthy foods (I don't care what you say, eating well is EXPENSIVE), and I'm usually too sleep deprived to do anything except work, keep the house from being declared a disaster area, make some sort of dinner for me and DH at night, and keep us from running out of toilet paper. That pretty much takes all I've got.

But the Lord has been showing me thru several different areas in my life that I am really without excuse. "My" body is actually His temple, and I've a responsibility to keep it as healthy as I can, to the best of my ability. I'll be honest and say I struggle with this and always will, and can come up with more excuses than you'd care to read (or have time to read in this lifetime), but that's the bottom line. I've got a family history of high blood pressure, diabetes, strokes, heart disease, and probably more that I don't know about, and I want the cycle to stop with me.

I also want to wear this one day...maybe not in public, but just having the ability to wear it would be enough for me.

The fact that my mom, at the age of 58, is moving into an assisted living center at the end of the month, is another sobering indication that I've got to do something NOW. She has had two strokes in the past six years, one of which kept her in the hospital for almost two months, and her life is drastically different from what she imagined it would be. She was a successful RN for almost 20 years, had no shortage of career opportunities, and has a heart of gold and a way with cancer patients most nurses would kill to have. But she allowed her eating habits to get the best of her, and now, at 350 lbs, can't stand on her own for long periods of time, is officially disabled and living on a fixed income, has trouble walking/sitting/moving around, and in two weeks, will no longer be living on her own.

I don't want that kind of life.

My husband doesn't deserve that kind of wife. It's not what he married or signed up for (though I know he loves me and somehow, still desires me).

I want more. I want to be able to, just once in my lifetime, put on something that I think is cute on the rack, or in the catalog, and know it's going to fit and look great. I want to be able to wear a bikini at the lake without a t-shirt or shorts to cover it. I want to climb the six flights of stairs I climb each day and not be out of breath. I want to go running and feel what is known as the "runner's high" - just once.

I want to know that the hours I put into that knit garment are going to be worth it and its going to be just as sexy on me as it is on the model advertising it.

So I'm hoping and praying that I'll be able to figure out some sort of exercise program I can stick with (the current plan is to walk 30 minutes in the morning and again at night, building up to it slowly; and to also do some form of strength training 3x/week, building up to 6x/week), and also an eating plan that's easy and tastes good. I'm hoping that next Christmas, when DH and I celebrate being debt-free, I can celebrate a new lease on life - and being able to wear that bikini I mentioned on our celebration cruise won't hurt. :-)

So much yarn, so little $$$$

I've been browsing all the yarn sales online, and drooling over at Knit Picks' site, and I've decided I want to open a yarn store. Think about it...all the yarn you could ever want, when you want it...no waiting for it, lots of time to knit...sounds like my dream job! Only problem is that I have no money (hence the frustration) and hardly any experience knitting, but hey, that shouldn't stop me, should it? Where there's a will, there's a way, right?

I've cast on for the Cozy shawl, and frogged it three times so far. I've also cast on for the Knit Picks' Candle Flame shawl, which has been my first experience knitting with lace weight yarn. VERY different. Still trying to finish the dishcloths I started as a housewarming gift, and I think I'll finally be done with those this week. I did actually finish a project this week - an Absorba from the MDK book for DH's bathroom. He loves it, but I'm not happy with it. I know I've done something wrong with picking up stitches or just not knowing what I'm doing because the logs of the log cabin aren't all in the right direction. So I've cast on for another one in a different color for my own bathroom, and hopefully I'll get it right this time. I really like the pattern, and its cheap yarn, so I'd like to make more of these rugs for our home.

This weekend I'll also cast on for another Clapotis, though I don't know what I'll do with it once I'm done...I just really like the pattern and its a fun knit! This one will be in Knit Picks Memories yarn, in the Rocky Mountain Dusk colorway. I just found out, however, that I'm going to be one skein short, so KP order is now necessary...besides, I'm also one skein short for the Candle Flame shawl, and who knows what will happen if I wait to order more...I may not get the same dye lot...I can come up with all kinds of reasons to order more yarn, can't I?

But isn't that part of what being a knitter is all about? :-)

Clapotis is FINISHED!!!

This is honestly a pretty stupid post, since I don't have pics to post, but I'm so excited I have to say something - I finished Clapotis on Sunday evening!!! This is my first REAL FO. I've done a scarf and several dishcloths, but nothing else. It turned out really great. If I can get DH to pick up the video camera from his aunt's house this week, I'll be able to post some photos.
Now I'm winding yarn (one of my least favorite activities) for the Knit Picks Candle Flame shawl, more yarn for another Clappy, and I've started Cozy. Had to frog Cozy three times and I'm only on row three of the pattern...I think I really need some sleep...fortunately I'm taking a day off from the paper route I throw on Saturday, so I'll finally get a full night's sleep - first time in eight months.
I'm also committed to FINALLY crocheting a dishcloth sometime this week...there are so many patterns, especially afghans, that I want to make, but other than making a chain and then doing a single crochet in each one, I can't go any further...last time I tried, I kept dropping stitches and winding up with too few on the subsequent rows. I've got the Happy Hooker, and even have a how-to DVD, but I'm so addicted to knitting right now that I don't want to stop long enough to actually learn how to crochet.
Also got a great Ebay deal on three Vogue knitting books - Quick Knits, and both the Vintage and American Collection - so I finished out the group by purchasing the Very Easy Knits book I wanted. I also checked out a great book from the library, Comforts of Home, and when I checked into purchasing a copy, found that the exact same book was published in Britain under a different title, Simple Knits for Easy Living. The UK pub'd book was half the price of the US pub'd version, so I purchased the UK one...and it's true, the patterns are exactly the same!
I'm going to round out my library with books from a book club...I'm a member of My Points, and joining a book club can really rack up the points!

Long Time, No Blogee

I'm exhausted. Not just because I've had what feels like almost no sleep, but because I just looked at Wendy's knitting website, and I can't comprehend how a human can knit that many things, that quickly. I just stared at the screen, open-mouthed, looking at the start and finish dates of some of those shawls...she's finished a few in just a couple of weeks!

At first I comforted myself with the idea that she must stay home full time, and have many hours to knit. But as I read further, I was shocked to find that she has a full time job! And somehow finds the time to blog!

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?????

I'm almost halfway thru my first Clapotis. Only got to knit four rows yesterday as it was dh's birthday. I'm itching to knit all weekend (after the obligatory laundry and house cleaning, of course) but won't be able to since the in-laws will be here and dh won't allow me to stay home while he spends time with them. So basically my entire weekend will be shot as far as knitting is concerned, which will make for a very grumpy woman come Monday.

Also a little irritated that my knitting books, ordered two weeks ago, still haven't arrived yet. Thanks, Zooba. Though really I can't complain....I'm getting about $90 worth of books for $30. A few more days shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Due to arrive any day now are:

• Morehouse Knits
• Yarn Girls' Guide to Beyond the Basics
• Inspired Cable Knits

I also ordered the first copy of Interweave Crochet from Ebay, along with three Vogue knitting books that have been on my wish list for a good long while:

• Vintage Knits
• Quick Knits
• American Knits

All that's left to purchase is the Very Easy Knits book, and a newer version of the giant knitting tome, and I'm set as far as Vogue books are concerned. Only about 100 more to purchase and I'll have the pattern library I've dreamed of. :-)

TGIF

Today I'm just so very glad its Friday.

I'm REALLY tired and know that I could solve that with a good night's sleep, but I can't stop knitting long enough to make myself go to bed. I'm truly addicted...or is it obsessed? or both? I'm so glad No-Doz is on the market...I'd be asleep at my desk if I didn't have some.

I also splurged on lunch today and actually ate out (I usually just keep a loaf of bread and package of lunch meat here in our offices and make sandwiches), ordering my all-time favorite food - pizza. I brought it back to the office, ate two pieces, offered some to a coworker and when I went back to the kitchen to return a piece I hadn't eaten to the box, I found that someone had helped themselves to almost half the pizza. People, I work in a MINISTRY. I am NOT happy about that. J (the woman I work with) and I have been discussing what I should do, if anything. Leave a note on the counter that says "hey, if you took my pizza, you owe me $7". Send an email out to the admin assts and ask them to let everyone in their department know we have a food thief on the third floor? Have another coworker who was just diagnosed with strep throat breathe on some cookies that we could leave in the same spot?

OK so the last one wasn't very nice, but I'm a little angry that someone just decided to help themselves. The worst part is that this isn't the first time...another lady here had her lunch taken from the fridge. She handled it by sending an email that asked the perp to please return it to the fridge, no questions asked. I don't know if it was returned or not. I'm seriously considering letting our HR department know...I hope its not a ministry wide thing, but if it is (we have more than one fridge), it needs to be addressed.

I've started yet another project - Knitty's Cozy shawl. I've also frogged it twice, and I'd only knitted the first row. I'm trying to adapt the pattern and add a k3 edge to it so it will lie flat, but when I got to the end of the row, I had two extra stitches. So now I've just cast on, and hopefully sometime this weekend I'll get to do more than one row. It looks like a beautiful shawl and I can't wait to see the finished product. I'm fairly certain I'll be giving it as an early birthday present to the woman I work with...she's forever cold in our offices, whereas I'm forever hot. Doesn't it always work that way?

This weekend I plan to do nothing but straighten up things and knit with a timer. I have got to finish the dishcloths I have on the needles as a housewarming gift - the woman has been in her new house for two weeks now! I also hope to finish the dishcloths I'm knitting for me, so I can knit Clapotis and Cozy with a clear conscience. :-) I hate having all these unfinished objects around, so I think I'm going to knit on one thing for an hour at a time and watch Gilmore Girls all weekend. DH just called to say he's going to have to work most of the weekend so apparently my plan was predestined. :-)

To-Knit List

Items on my to-knit list:

• Clapotis
• Cozy
• Bedjackets
• Reversible Afghan from "Easy Afghans for Knitters"
• Diamond pattern afghan from "Easy Afghans for Knitters"
• Knitted prayer shawl
• Einstein Coat from Sally Melville's "The Knit Experience"
• Sally's Favorite Sweater from "The Knit Experience"
• Best Friend Jacket from "The Knit Experience"
• Your Basic Bag from TKE
• Not-So-Warm Coat from TKE
• Knit Down sweater from TKE
• Tricia's Shawl from "The Purl Experience"
• Simple Cardigan from TPE
• Vision Coat from TPE
• Not Your Mother's Suit Coat from TPE
• Not Your Mother's Suit Dress from TPE
• Two Tone Top - TPE
• Kangaroo Duo - TPE
• Classic Ribbed Pullovers - TPE
• Simple Socks - TPE
• Collared Wrap - TPE
• To the Cottage Pullovers - TPE
• Another CoCo Jacket - TPE
• Luscious Pullover - TPE
• Absorba - Mason Dixon Knitting
• Log Cabin Blanket - MDK
• Moss Grid Hand Towel - MDK
• Bubbly Curtain - MDK
• After Dark Nightie and Robe - MDK
• MDK Washcloth - MDK
• Felted boxes - MDK
• Snazzy Bath Rug - MDK
• Moderne Log Cabin Blanket - MDK
• Flying Geese Blanket - MDK
• Circle of Fun Rug- MDK
• Mitered Square Rug
• Blanket Jacket - Book 3: Color - Knit Experience
• Nancy's Shirt - Book 3: Color
• Skinny Stripes - B3C
• Broad Stripes - B3C
• Wobbly Stripes - B3C
• Graduated Stripes - B3C
• Cynthia's Scarf/Afghan - B3C
• Nod to Mod Pullover - B3C
• Slip into Color pullover - B3C
• Little Squares - B3C
• Wrong Side Sweater - B3C
• Kiss Purse - B3C
• North Inspired Cardigan - B3C
• Not Mrs D's Suit - B3C
• Funnel Neck Pullover - B3C
• Boyfriend Sweater - B3C
• Panel Party Tunic/Pullover/Dress - B3C
• Knitting Bag Jacket - B3C
• Simple Plaid Scarf/Afghan - B3C
• Simple Plaid Top - B3C

Items on my to-crochet list:

• Crocheted prayer shawl