I'm really struggling with feeling content right now, and I'm not sure why. I'm feeling pretty bummed lately, and honestly there's no reason to feel that way. I think the honest answer is that I feel like I'm farther from God than I've been in a good long while. There are lots of reasons for this, but the bottom line is that I know I'm not attending church regularly, I'm not spending time with Him daily, I'm not praying regularly...He's not the first thing in my life, and I'm miserable because of it. I know I need to draw closer to Him, so He will draw close to me, but there's a part of me that's saying why? Why do I have to? Why is it so easy for so many other people, especially those that aren't Christians, yet its so hard for me?
I wonder if I'm the only person who feels this way...here's an example: we need a new oven, a double oven to boot. The one currently in our house is at least 30 years old (still that beautiful seventies gold) and though we were blessed in that the top oven lasted the first four years we lived in the house, the last 8 months or so, we've been confined to cooking in the bottom oven. This would be fine, except that it has started overheating - the temp is always about 200 degrees hotter than what you set the temp for.
So we started shopping around, and found that we were going to have a really easy decision to make - the size of our oven only comes in one model per manufacturer, and since the oven is built into brick, its not like we can buy a larger one and just make room for it. When I checked on prices of ovens a few years ago, I could buy a stainless steel double oven for about $900. Now they are at least $1200, and that's on sale, and the base model (as I said we're limited to what we can buy, and the size we need doesnt' come with bells and whistles).
I'm perfectly fine with making do and doing without - its what we've done for years in lots of areas. But I just read of another woman who lives in my state who was blessed with a stainless steel, CONVECTION, double oven for - get this - wait for it - $300. Am I happy for her? Of course! She is one of the sweetest people I've ever "met" on the web! But just a little (OK, a big) twinge of jealousy reared its ugly head when I read that. The difference between me and her is that she and her DH are very faithful to tithe, and God is always blessing them for it. Me? I have such a problem trusting Him to provide. I hate that about myself. I am not a cheerful giver, and we honestly don't give much of anything right now. I know that is awful, but I'm not trying to impress anyone here, I'm just trying to be transparent.
I wish I could just let go and trust Him. I pray someday soon I am able to do just that. I want to let Him live thru me so that He gets all the glory. I want to be used by Him. But I don't want it enough to surrender. And that scares me, because I know I need to, and I know He is calling me to do just that.
On a lighter note...
I am almost finished with the Central Park Hoodie. Finishing the last sleeve tonight, hopefully, then all that's left is the hood, seaming, and edging - at least I think that's all - its my first sweater pattern. Now I just have to figure out what to start next - I have a lot to choose from. I'm leaning towards Viveka or Ivy from the recent Knitty, or Interlocking Cables from IK's website. I'm also trying to learn continental knitting, so Knitty's Satchel is a project I'm dedicating to just that type of knitting until its familiar to me. There's also Starsky to consider, since belted cable jackets are supposed to be "in" this fall/winter. Of course, until I lose about 50 pounds, I don't need to be wearing anything with a belt. :-)